


Character Development

by KittyBits



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Angst, At least he really wants to, Choose Your Own Ending, Derek saves Spencer, M/M, Really all the angst, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-05
Updated: 2010-12-05
Packaged: 2017-11-15 17:31:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/529800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyBits/pseuds/KittyBits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer had been harboring feelings for Morgan for quite a long time, and the way his best friend act makes his heart ache in the most horrible of ways.<br/>Getting rejected when he finally confesses makes it hurt even more though.</p><p>And Derek knows - just fucking knows - there's something odd about Reid lately, and that new boyfriend of his is really rubbing him the wrong way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He ached, longed, and pined after Morgan. He did - it hurt and sucked but it wasn't like Reid could help it.

His heart was breaking as he watched them dance. Reid felt his heart being ground into powder every time a woman rubber herself against the other man. He knew this was bound to happen and yet he just couldn't say no when they asked him to join.  
  
He smiled vaguely when the dark haired woman returned from the bathroom. She glanced briefly in the direction Reid gazed.  
  
“Morgan does seem to have some sort of very primal attraction to women when he dances.” She smiled. “I'm just surprised he's only dancing with one. Is he getting old?”  
  
Reid shook his head. “He's found the woman he wants to take home tonight – giving her his full attention to make her want to come with him too.” Prentiss couldn't help but see the look of longing in his eyes at he watched his best friend do what he did best.  
  
“Don't be sad Reid, you're just not meant to pick up girls in bars. You'll probably find some cute girl in a library or a book shop and you'll end up dating and getting married and having kids...” She leaned back on the small bar stool and sighed. She really wanted that for herself. When she noticed Reid frown at her she smiled. “But I didn't know that you were into African-Americans – I expected you to be more of a 'blond and blue eyed'-man for some reason.”  
  
He turned his head towards the dance floor trying his utmost to smile convincingly at her comment. On the inside he was panicking, scolding himself for being too obvious. His eyes fell back on the muscular black man that he knew so well though he didn't know him at all. The smile became slightly more natural and Reid felt the urge to lean back nodding in understanding when he realized what Prentiss had been talking about; the woman Morgan was practically mating with on the dance floor was Black too. Prentiss thought he was jealous of Morgan – not the petite woman he held so close.  
  
He watched the dancing people for a while. Prentiss had started talking to a man on the other side of her and was soon flirting heavily. Her body language almost screamed for the man to club her on the head and drag her out to his car so they could go at it like rabbits.  
  
Reid blushed a bit but smiled at the thought.  
  
He looked down at the drink in his hand – Morgan had bought it and told Reid to have some fun. He had taken one sip and decided against drinking more of it when Morgan moments later had gone to the dance floor with a cheaply dressed redhead. He hadn't left the dance floor since and Reid really didn't feel the need to expand his depressed state of mind by actually drinking a depressant.  
  
Suddenly Reid's heart rate sped up and he felt almost revived when Morgan left the woman and began moving over to their small table. He downed the drink in front of him – hoping that Morgan would smile and praise him for his efforts.  
  
Morgan took his jacket, winked at Reid, and left.  
  
Reid felt his heart shatter as a glass vase that fell to the ground. He felt pathetic for his efforts as he watched Morgan join the woman at the door and casually wrap his arm around her waist. The alcohol burned in the back of Reid's throat and the tears started to well up in his eyes. He turned slightly and found Prentiss watching him.  
  
“Probably wasn't a good idea to finish your drink like that, huh Reid?” She smiled but he could see the tiny glint of pity in her glance. She knew. He was a pathetic fool.  
  
“Yeah, and it kind of kicked hard.” He grabbed his coat and shifted a bit in his seat.  
  
“I think it would be best if you just went home now. Call a cab and I'll see you Monday – right?” Prentiss gave Reid's arm a small comforting squeeze. He gave her a small smile goodbye and left the bar.  
  
The cold air hit him like a fist in the face when he stepped outside and Reid could feel it sting in his eyes. He let his hurt tears spill soundlessly as he looked around for a cab. There was none. Of course.  
  
He started walking home, hoping he wound find a vacant taxi on his way but not desperately. Walking alone gave him time to let his feelings fade slowly without worrying what anyone would think.  
  
He was pathetic.  
  
He was a grown man in love with his ten years older colleague and best friend. His very straight best friend. He would shoot long glances after him in the office hoping no one would notice but Morgan. And yet his worst nightmare was that Morgan would realize his feelings and turn away in disgust. He could picture that all too vividly and it broke his heart all over again.  
  
He wiped his cheeks when a car pulled up to the sidewalk next to him. His heart skipped a beat or two when he recognized the black SUV. The window opened.  
“What the hell are you doing out here Reid?” Morgan asked him frowning.  
  
“I couldn't find a cab.” Reid shrugged as if he didn't care while desperately trying to calm down his heart. “I was hoping I could find one if I started walking towards home.”  
  
Morgan shook his head. “The taxi-drivers are on a strike as of this morning. I thought you of all people would know that.”  
  
“I don't know everything,” Reid muttered to his feet, bur Morgan heard him and laughed.  
  
“Jump in Pretty Boy, I'll drive you home.”  
  
He climbed in to the big black car trying to look anywhere but Morgan's face. He noticed anyway.  
  
“Have you been crying?” Reid turned his head to see Morgan frown and shook his head.  
  
“It's very cold outside, it made my eyes water.” Reid's eyes grew wider when Morgan reached over and touched his ice cold hand.  
  
“Shit man – you're freezing!” He turned up the heat and held Reid's hand up to get warm from the hot air blowing. “How long have you been outside?”  
  
It was Reid's turn to frown. “I don't know. I left a couple of minutes after you – Prentiss didn't seem to mind.”  
  
“You've been outside for half an hour, and you haven't gotten further? You only walked two blocks!” Morgan looked astonished eyebrows raised mouth slightly open. Reid had to look away.  
  
“It's slippery outside. I had to walk carefully. And anyway – why are you here and not at home with that woman from the bar?” He knew a bitter tone had crept in when he said that woman but Morgan didn't seem to notice.  
  
“I realized I wasn't in the mood for that tonight.” Morgan shrugged. “So I thought I would just drive her home and then go back myself.”  
  
“Then what are you in the mood for tonight?” Reid asked, and didn't realize how suggestive that had sounded until Morgan cocked a brow at him.  
  
“I don't know. A beer, a movie. I'll go to bed early I think,” he said and shrugged with a quaint smile. Reid glanced at his watch; it was 11 P.M.  
  
“I guess early is a relative term.”  
  
Morgan let go of Reid's hand and he realized that he had been holding it for their entire talk. Morgan put the car in drive and started driving.  
  
“It is. But early to bed one a Tuesday is very different from early to bed on a Friday.” He shot Reid another smile.  
  
“You could come hang out with me at my place if you want?” Reid looked almost uninterested at his hands slowly getting warm but his heart was beating like furious in his chest.  
  
“Only if I don't have to watch any movie with the word Star in the title.”  
  
Reid felt a grin corrupting his neutral face. “You get to pick what we watch then.”  
  
x  
  
“I didn't know there were so many films with the word Star in their title,” Morgan muttered to himself. He took a sip of his beer and pulled out 'Inglorious Basterds'.  
  
“You have a Brad Pitt movie?” he asked Reid who was sitting in the couch knees pressed to his chest.  
  
“No – I have a Quentin Tarantino movie. Huge difference.”  
  
Morgan cocked an eyebrow and looked at the DVD with a thoughtful look. “Why do you have a Brad Pitt movie?”  
  
“I found it in a store and couldn't get the story line to match with the chronology of WWII, so I felt like I had to buy it to see if it was a mistake...”  
  
Morgan looked expectantly at Reid. “So...?” Reid looked back at him with a blank look on his face. “Was it a mistake?”  
  
“You'll have to watch it if you want to know,” Reid replied, a content grin forming on his face.  
  
Morgan put the movie on and settled in the couch next to Reid. Reid tried to quiet his pounding heart as he looked at the mere inches between them. He was so close yet so very far away. The paradox made it burn in his throat like the alcohol he had earlier. He held back the tears when the music started playing. “Try to pay extra attention to Hans Landa,” he said leaning a tiny bit closer to his friend. “He goes through some incredible character development.”  
  
x  
  
“Well... That was very unlike the Brad Pitt movies I've seen before.”  
  
“I told you it's a Quentin Tarantino movie, not a Brad Pitt movie.” They sat fairly close to each other in the couch both keeping their eyes fixed on the black screen in front of them.  
  
“You were right about Landa – that man just turned completely upside down,” Morgan said after a while, the credits rolling muted on the screen before them. Reid nodded. The silence between them was awkward and welcome at the same time, but it had to be broken.  
  
“I'm in love with you.” he admitted and closed his eyes, not wanting to see the reaction painted on Morgan's face. He had no idea what kind of expression it would show but his fears were all to vivid. The dark man beside him sighed and Reid felt him lean forward to put down his empty beer bottle.  
  
“I know,” Morgan said quietly and Reid felt his big hand on his knee for a moment. “I know and I'm sorry.”  
  
Reid nodded with his eyes closed. He heard Morgan stand and collecting his things before leaving the apartment with a small “I'll see you Monday.” Reid then opened his eyes to let the tears spill yet again, feeling a lot more like the scared kid that had been attending High School than the mature and accomplished profiler that he was.  
  
He got up from the couch and felt his way to his bedroom, his vision too blurry to be relied on. He climbed onto the bed not caring about his clothes and the fact that his sheets would smell like smoke if he didn't go take a shower. Clutching his pillow as sobs shook his body and tears left his eyes red and streaked his cheeks, he wallowed in the heartbreak he never thought would feel so overpowering.  
  
He had pretended it could be for a moment – but he knew. He always had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm moving all my slashy stories from ff.net to here, starting with the beginning and working my way up slwoly, editing an re-reading as I go. Hope you guys won't mind. You can find all the stories I post here - and a few more - at my ff.net profile on http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2575151/KittyBits  
> I adore the lot of you :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morgan didn't think Reid would be so quick to recover from his rejection of him. And oddly enough, that makes him kind of pissed off.

At first he had been devastated, broken. The entire team knew something was up with Reid but their persistent inquiries received no response. Morgan himself had repeatedly caught the younger man looking at him with a hurt but longing look. How the other agents missed that was a mystery to him.  
  
Slowly Reid had gotten back to normal. His fact-blabber on anything under the sun returned and everything seemed to be good again. Sometimes though Morgan felt the small hairs on his arms stand on edge and he knew, that if he looked up from what he was doing he would find a big pair of brown, despairing eyes fixed on him.  
  
When Reid had come forward to the team about his sexuality they were all left surprised. Most of the team was surprised by the fact that he was gay. Garcia was surprised that he was gay and hadn't told her. Morgan was surprised that he came out at all, and that everybody else was so taken aback. He had noticed a while after the episode with Carl Buford.  
  
Morgan had frowned when Reid had happily declared to the team that he had gotten a boyfriend. Yes – he knew it was several months after the confession in Reid's apartment, but he was somehow still disappointed that Reid had moved on so fast. Morgan had frowned even deeper when he realized what he was thinking, quickly pushed the trail of thoughts away, and loudly congratulated his friend.  
  
x  
  
Garcia's nagging had finally made Reid give up. The curvy redhead watched in silence but with a big smile on her lips as he pulled out his phone and called a person he had on speed-dial. The look on Garcia's face was gleeful but no one had dared interfere when she had slowly made Reid break.  
  
“Hey Albert, it's me.”  
  
Garcia grinned when Reid both revealed that the call had been answered and the name of this mystery man.  
  
“Me too...” A small blush crept up his cheeks. Garcia was only kept from squealing by the hand covering her mouth. She looked up to see the excited face of Emily Prentiss beam at their sole gay colleague. “Actually, it's about tonight – there's something I wanted to ask you,” Reid continued with a slightly annoyed glance at the women. “Some coworkers asked if I wanted to come out to dinner with them... Yes I know, but Garcia – remember I told you about her? She wouldn't let me off the hook if I didn't call and ask if you wanted to come... Well, she is – but she's also very eager to meet you... Of course it's not a... Does that mean yes?... I'll text you the details.” Reid ended the call and turned his attention to Garcia, who by now had her arms raised in silent victory, as Prentiss still held her hand against her mouth and thereby forced her to show her enthusiasm in more creative ways than cackling loudly.  
  
“He'll come.” The muffled squeal erupting from the dark pits of Garcia's mouth was freed when Prentiss raised her own fists in triumph. She was secretly very excited about the whole 'Reid being gay and having a boyfriend'-deal.  
  
She looked at her redhead friend with a big grin. “So, who's coming?” The squeal went silent and the pure joy and excitement in Garcia's face was replaced by sneakiness and a smug smile.  
  
x  
  
“So, what are we waiting for?” an impatient Rossi wanted to know. He was hungry and wished he had turned down the persistent technical analyst.  
  
“Reid's boyfriend.” Garcia put extra emphasis on the last word and bit her lip from excitement. Morgan cocked a brow and looked quizzically at Reid who appeared to be deep in thoughts.  
  
“We're meeting with your boyfriend?” A big grin spread on his face but he found it hard to sort out the mangled mess of feelings that started to stir inside of him. Reid's eyes snapped to his face looking annoyed, slightly angry and... a tiny bit hurt?  
  
“You didn't tell them Albert was coming?” He asked and turned to face the giggling Garcia.  
  
“No – I wanted to see the looks on their faces – aren't they priceless?” Prentiss nodded feeling amused and incredibly well entertained.  
  
“His name is Albert?”  
  
“Yes it is. But I'm not telling you his last name before Garcia promises not to do some sort of background-check on him.” The look Reid gave his meddling friend didn't leave any doubt about him being completely serious. Garcia nodded hesitantly. “Nodding isn't good enough – swear! On your Babies!”  
  
Garcia gasped and looked at Reid startled for a moment. He was strangely attractive with that serious look in his eyes and who knew that he could be so passionate as to demand her word on something like this. “I swear on my Babies, that I will not do a background search on your boyfriend. Only if you ask me to do it.” Morgan smiled to his Baby Girl when she added the last part. You never knew when a little snooping could come in handy.  
  
Reid narrowed his eyes but decided that it wasn't going to be any better than that.  
  
“Albert Whitaker. He's a stockbroker.”  
  
“He's working in downtown Washington?” Rossi inquired finding the subject of the conversation interesting but not liking the immature way people handled it.  
  
Reid nodded. “That's why he's a little late. Longer drive.” He looked at his phone when it beeped. “That's him,” he said as he read the message. “He's here. I'll go out and find him.”  
  
Prentiss and Rossi smiled at the eager look on Reid's face as he walked towards the door. Garcia was the picture of pure bliss but Morgan couldn't help but be in a bad mood. This wasn't the relaxed dinner with friends he had expected, and he didn't find the development amusing. He folded and unfolded his napkin while keeping his eyes away from the door. He was hungry and tired and annoyed. A surprised gasp from Prentiss made him look at her. Her eyes were wide with surprise and excitement. He turned slightly in his chair to see what she was looking at.  
  
Reid was walking towards them holding hands with a man he kept looking at with an adoring smile.  
  
x  
  
Albert Whitaker was an attractive man, that Prentiss had to give Reid. A rather tall black man with a muscular build and a well-kept beard. Prentiss couldn't help but wonder how they had met – she was sure it was a very interesting story. She would get Garcia to force the story out of Reid the next day. The lanky man looked a bit nervous but excited and Prentiss felt a small flash of pride that her “little brother” had found a handsome man like that. Although he sort of reminded her of someone.  
  
“Everybody this is my boyfriend Albert Whitaker, Albert this is everybody.” Albert smiled at Reid and held his hand out to Garcia who was closest.  
  
“You must be Penelope Garcia.”  
  
“I sure am Hot Stuff. I can't believe you're actually taller than Reid – that boy's taller than a bean stalk on a staircase.”  
  
“I like them tall.” Reid blushed a bit and leaned slightly towards his boyfriend.  
  
“David Rossi,” Rossi interrupted and held his hand out. Albert shook it with a thoughtful look.  
  
“He's the one who wrote all the books,” Reid said in a quiet voice.  
  
“Oh! Reid keeps all your books scattered around his apartment.” Ooh – didn't know Reid was the messy-type!  
  
“Then you must be Emily Prentiss.” Albert held his hand out with a friendly questioning facial expression.  
  
“Exactly – it's a pleasure to meet you Albert.”  
  
“Likewise.” Albert turned to Morgan. “Aaron Hotchner?”  
  
“Derek Morgan actually. I guess Reid doesn't speak much about me.” Morgan grabbed Albert's hand and Prentiss felt her eyes grow wide  
  
Reid was dating a Morgan look-alike! That could only mean... Shit! Why hadn't she noticed this earlier? But thinking back, Reid had been incredibly quick to bounce back from his crush on their coworker. Dating a clone of said crush explained a lot.  
  
“I think me might have mentioned you briefly.” Albert looked thoughtful as he took in Morgan's appearance but the agent seemed oblivious to what was now so clear to Prentiss.  
  
She felt the urge to bang her head against the nearest surface – which would be Derek's chest and incredibly weird – but fought it to keep the situation sane. Morgan had been in a bad mood for a while but now the temperature just dropped below zero. Albert behaved slightly like the other black man. He kept up his charming smile but it didn't quite reach his eyes, which Reid noticed and and so he talked for roughly the entire meal before excusing himself and his boyfriend immediately after.  
  
Reid being gay suddenly wasn't so fun anymore.  
  
x  
  
Garcia skipped out of the elevator and down to the bullpen. She was in an excellent mood today! Meeting Reid's boyfriend had been terribly exciting and she hadn't been disappointed at all when the mysterious man turned up.  
  
Pure gorgeousness!  
  
She spotted Reid at his desk with his head halfway buried in a cup of coffee and a stack of papers and decided that he was to share her magnificent mood. And she wanted to know some details about him and Albert being intimate.  
  
“Hellooo there Super Genius.” She shot him a big grin and leaned against the edge of his desk. “That was some piece of meat you brought yesterday, but then again – you deserve the best.” The look she received was nowhere near the slightly embarrassed but happy blush she expected.  
  
“Next time, no means no.” With a cold glare Reid got up and stomped towards the bathrooms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! Formatting is being a bitch, but I'm trying to work something out and not killing myself with annoyance, but not tonight because now I want to sleep. So I will go an do that!
> 
> EDIT: Formitting fixed, thank Davies :S Reading it before made my eyes hurt!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It came as a surprise to both of them, a horible ugly shock. But Reid believed Albert when he said he would never do anything like that again.
> 
> He loved him.

_“I'm sorry it turned out to be so awkward... Albert?” Reid looked over his shoulder at his boyfriend when they walked to the car. He had a dark look on his face and Reid felt the cold hand of fear grasp his heart and squeeze – hard and long._

_“You better drive,” Albert said coolly and Reid nodded. Albert had drunk more than a few glasses of red wine while Reid himself had been talking, too busy to drink or eat much._

_“I think they really liked you,” Reid said as he drove. All he wanted right now was for his boyfriend to give him a big smile and talk with him. Why didn't he answer any of his questions? Or just tell him to shut up? “Especially Garcia. I think she's attracted to you even though she knows you're gay. Not that it's surprising – I personally find you very attractive! I would gladly have sex with you right here right now!” Albert had given him a look and the rest of the drive had been silent._

_“Why are you with me Spencer?” Albert had asked as soon as they came into his apartment. “Why are you with me when it's so obvious it's Derek Morgan that you really want?”_

_“What – no! I don't...”_

_“Come on! We look so much alike we could be brothers! You are just with me because he's your friend and he's straight.”_

_“That's not true! I'm with you because... because I love you! I don't think of Morgan like that!” Reid's voice was shaking at that part. He had never said those words to another man before meaning them as he did right now._

_“So you telling me that you aren't attracted to him at all?”_

_“No... YES! But I might have been attracted to him at some point – but that's years back. Way before I met you!”Albert gave him a scornful look and went to his bar cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Scotch and a glass. “Albert, please. I... I might have talked to you at that bar because you reminded me of him – but now it's so much more. I want you because you're you – not because you resemble a friend and former crush of mine!” Reid had not failed to notice the abrupt way Albert had thrown back the drink and put the glass back on the table with a thud. The look Reid received as the last lines left his lips was hard to ignore. Anger, jealousy, and hurt was as clear as the dark brown color of Albert's irises._

_“Albert, please just listen and think abou-”_

_“SHUT UP SPENCER!” His hands shot out and rammed against Reid's slender chest making him fall back against the wall. Reid stared shocked at man in front of him._

_“... You pushed me?”_

_Albert's face fell and his eyes widened in surprise._

_“Oh – I... Shit – I'm sorry babe! I just- Shit! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that! I... I'm just under a lot of stress recently and...” Albert moved closer to Reid. Reid pressed his back against the wall needing the support to keep his legs from buckling under him. Albert ran a hand over the buzz of stubble on his head and looked at Reid with eyes glistening from unshed tears.”I'm... Please forgive me Spence? Please – I love you too! I really do- I just... suddenly doubted everything... I felt so jealous! Shit, Spencer please, I just- I'll never do it again, I swear! Just... Just don't leave me?”_

_Reid drew a sharp breath feeling the tears rising too. He put his hand up and cupped Albert's cheek looking at him with his slightly blurred vision._

_“It's okay – I'm sorry too. I knew you're busy and with the current state of economy I know you're under a lot of stress at work. I'm sorry that I put you into this kind of situation.” He reached up and pressed his lips against Albert's. “I'm not mad at you or anything, perhaps just a bit... surprised.” Reid smiled up at the larger man and let his fingers trace the forms of his face._

_Albert sighed and leaned forward leaning his forehead against Reid's. “You're too good for me,” he breathed and Reid couldn't help but shiver. “But I think it would be best if I drove you home. This evening isn't going to be as magical as I had dreamed.” Reid nodded as Albert's fingers slid down his cheek._

x

Reid looked at himself in the mirror. The knot in his stomach had been there ever since Albert had yelled at him. He hadn't realized before how important Albert's opinion had grown to be to him.

He had known that he loved him, but the confession had been ruined by the ugliness of the situation – the things that had been said and the feelings that had been hurt.

Albert had called him when he had gotten back to his apartment again. The had rescheduled their intimate dinner and were going to try again the next night. Albert had apologized again over the phone and Reid had in his solitary let a few teardrops slip from the tight control he kept on himself. It was the first time he had cried in three months 17 days and 21 hours.

Reid held on to the sink as the memory of Morgan's rejection washed over him as waves on the beach. He gritted his tears and cursed his eidetic memory. He remembered all the long nights where he tried to avoid dealing with his feelings. The bars, the strange men. He remembered how shocked he had been when he had spotted Albert the first time. Tall, muscular, black. He resembled Morgan enough for Reid to muster up his courage and ask for his name. Their first night had been hasty and passionate and a release Reid hadn't been able to find in the arms of any other man. The next morning he had been happy to follow Albert's lead. He had sent him to the bathroom saying he had to go to work. He had told Reid to come back to his apartment for dinner the same evening and Reid had done as he was told. Suddenly he had a boyfriend and Morgan wasn't the first thing he thought of when he woke and the last thing before he went to sleep.

Recalling the mornings spent in Albert's arms Reid calmed his breathing and slowly let go of the edge of the sink.

Tonight is going to be great, and yesterday wasn't anybody's fault. He kept repeating it silently as he returned to his desk and flipped through his papers.

Fortunately nobody spoke to him for the rest of the day. They just looked at him – shocked by his reaction to Garcia's friendly mockery.

x

“Hey.”

“Hi.” To emphasize the awkward feeling between the two men Reid accompanied his greeting with a wave. He quickly dropped his hand and fixed his eyes on Albert's chest. Albert cleared his throat.

“Before I say anything, I just want to say that I'm still incredibly sorry and tell you that it'll never happen again!”

“It's okay – I forgave you and I still do” Reid had looked up to stop his boyfriend from speaking those unnecessary words but the intent look in Albert's eyes made his cheeks heat and he moved his eyes back to the chest. “I forgave you a second after... it happened.”

“I'm going to make it up to you.” Before Reid could protest or even utter a word he was dragged inside and lead into what he presumed was Albert's kitchen. He wasn't sure due to Albert holding his hands across Reid's eyes. “I meant it – you know that?”

“Meant what?” Reid asked feeling a bit out of breath. His heart was beating frantically in his chest.

“I love you.” The words was a low murmur in Reid's ears. His heart fluttered and the thought I can die happy now occurred to Reid. Here he was wrapped in the arms of the big black man he loved and had loved for so long – the only person that could ever make him happy. The hands across his eyes vanished and Reid blinked. He turned his back to candlelit dinner table in front of him and wrapped his arms around his lover. His eyes fell shut when his lips was met by Albert's and he quickly silenced the inner voices yelling in protest.

This was good.

This was right.

This wasn't a Plan B.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He couldn't remember the number of times this had happened – no, he could remember the precise number of times, as well as the procedure and the amount of pain inflected – but he wished, oh he wished he didn't remember.

”I feel like going out,” he had said. Reid had looked at his boyfriend and sighed. Albert always wanted to go out and meet people when he was having a hard time at work. Reid would of course have to go with him so Albert didn't look like a man searching for someone to spend the night with, but Reid never enjoyed himself and mostly spent the nights hanging on a chair slowly drinking a soda and doing advanced mathematics in his head.

Just like he was doing now.

Albert sat next to him in deep conversation with some lawyer he met through his work. Reid understood why Albert found it so smart to network in a gay-bar – the feeling of 'us against them' was widely recognized in Albert's profession where gays weren't as accepted as you could have wished. But that didn't make Reid want to stay.

“That's very interesting!” The lawyer-guy said and straightened his back. He glanced around and his face lit up. He turned back to face Albert. “I would like to introduce you to some of my colleagues...” Albert looked at Reid briefly and gave him a small kiss before leaving with the other man.

Alone again.

Reid looked down on his Coke bottle and decided that he needed something stronger. He grabbed his jacket and messenger bag and fought his way through the dancing mass on the middle of the dance floor towards the bar. He sat on an empty bar stool, put his bag at his feet, and tried to get the bartender's attention which he found was surprisingly easy.

“What can I do for you Love?” a conspicuously dressed young man asked and winked at Reid. He in turn frowned slightly at the feather boa and pink shirt.

“Um... Scotch! I'd like a glass of Scotch,” he said and blushed when he realized he'd been staring.

“Coming right up Cutie.” Reid felt the blush deepen and was happy the bartender had turned his back to him. He sighed and scratched his scalp. 

I just want to go home.

“Here you go Darling.” The bartender put a glass down in front of Reid who feverishly started looking for his money.

“I got this one Jimmy.” Reid looked up at the man on his left who held a note out for the bartender who grinned and took it.

“Thank you, but you didn't have to do that – I perfectly able to pay myself.”

“I don't doubt that you are – you just really look like you could use it.” The man smiled and held his hand out. “I'm Tom.”

Reid dropped the bag on the floor and dried his slightly sweaty palm in his pants before taking the hand. “Dr. Spencer Rei.-Spencer! I'm- My name is Spencer.” Reid hated his tendency to stutter when he was shy and wished to go home even more.

“Dr. Spencer Reid? I read your doctorate on the math behind codes, it was absolutely brilliant! We had great use of it in the development of a security system. The algorithms we used were based on some of your examples. I'm professor in computer science.”

Reid looked baffled at the man called Tom for a few moments. “My doctorate has been used for something actually usable?” Tom nodded and Reid felt a smile emerge on his face. “I just thought it was exciting, but that was actually... Wow!” Tom chuckled and Reid felt a slight blush creep back on his cheeks. But this time it didn't feel that bad.

“So what do you do with that brilliant head of yours?” Tom looked inquiringly at Reid and took a sip of his beer.

“Actually I'm a FBI agent, I work with the BAU – the Behavioral Analysis Unit. I'm a profiler.”

“... That doesn't really make sense to me I'll have to admit. Behavior analysis is psychology, right? What do you use your mathematics degree for?”

The conversation flowed easily and Reid found that he actually enjoyed himself. Tom was intelligent enough to get some of the more obscure comments Reid delivered and he wasn't afraid to stop him when he started rambling. 

“So, if you write this sentence for example,” Tom said and scribbled something down on a piece of paper and handed it to Reid, “then you just use the algorithms I just told you about to decipher it and you'll have the original message.”

Reid looked at the piece of paper in his hand. Himself a shadow, hunting shadows. He smiled at Tom. “I see you like Homer,” he said, and tucked the paper in his pocket. He decided to apply the algorithms later, as he saw Albert approaching out of the corner of his eye.

“Ready to go, Baby?” The possessive arm around Reid's waist and the look Albert gave Tom made Ried's toes curl in embarrassment. 

“It was nice talking to you Tom,” he said as he rose. He smiled at the man and wished Albert would stop glaring.

“Likewise. Maybe I'll see you again?”

“Don't count on it.” Albert almost shoved Reid all the way to the car before he finally let go of him. 

The drive back to Albert's flat was quiet and cold. Reid almost asked Albert to drive him home, but decided that it would probably only put him in an even darker mood.

“What did he give you?” Reid cursed inwardly – he hadn't been fast enough. Not that it meant anything special. He fished the note out of his pocket. 

“It's just a joke. We were talking about my doctorate and how you can use an algorithm to decipher patterns in certain sentences...” Reid trailed off as Albert gave the note a brief glance before giving it back to Reid.

“... A joke...” Reid nodded. Albert's silence worried him. A brief glance at him revealed a clenched jaw and a scold. 

Oh shit...

x

He had followed his boyfriend even though Albert hadn't even acknowledged his presence. Albert went to the bar cabinet and pulled out the glass and liquor and Reid felt his inside freeze. 

“Don't be mad Albert.” He stepped closer as he tried to understand what exactly he had done wrong. “I was just trying to have fun so I wouldn't have to be a burden to you. You know I tend to get bored when I go to bars-” 

“Well, this time it sure looked like you had loads of fun though.” Albert gave him a cold glare and turned his back on Reid.

“I didn't have that much fun – it was just nice to talk to someone who actually got me when I talked about mathematics.” The loud tap as Albert put down the glass made Reid gulp. Albert slowly turned to face Reid who in turn grew pale and felt his palms grow damp.

“Are you saying I'm not smart enough?”

“NO!” Reid's eyes grew wide as he realized he had almost shouted. “No, of course you aren't. But you're not interested in mathematics... Right?” Albert looked coldly at Reid. He leaned against the windowsill with a look of anger and anticipation. Reid took a step in his direction. 

“You flirted with some strange man because I find math dull?” 

“I wasn't flirting – I was just....” The words was caught in Reid's throat as Albert's eyes lost the hint of anticipation and went to being outright angry. In two long strides Albert was right in front of Reid.

“You deny that you flirted with him?”

“Of course I do – why would I? I love you...” The push was sudden and hit Reid right in the chest sending him straight into the wall behind him. Reid looked at his lover feeling the dejà vu hit him full force. Albert walked up to him eyes shooting daggers. 

“Don't you soil those words by using them as an excuse!” He grabbed Reid's wrists and pinned him to the wall. “That is NO way to show me that you love me – IF you love me.”

“Of course I do! I love you so much...” 

Albert pulled Reid close and shoved him back against the wall roughly. Reid saw stars when the back of his head met the hard concrete behind him. 

“DON'T YOU SOIL IT!” He pushed Reid again.

“Please stop, Albert,” Reid pleaded in a small voice. 

Albert shoved Reid aside and gave him a look of disgust.

“Pull yourself together – be a man!” He threw himself into a chair.

Reid bit his lip trying to hold back the tears. The back of his head was throbbing and the grip on his wrists were sure to leave marks tomorrow.

“I'm sorry – I wont flirt with strangers again,” he whispered. “I didn't mean to soil our love by being unfaithful to you.” He looked down at the floor but heard when Albert rose from the chair.

“See – that wasn't that hard, was it?” He let his fingers slide through Reid's hair. “Now come back to bed with me.” Reid nodded and got to his feet – legs a bit shaky. 

“Okay.”

x

The tears slid down across his nose down following the curve under his eye, down his cheek before disappearing into the pillow below his head.

He looked at his hand, tracing the bruising on his left arm with his right hand's fingers. The recent red and swollen on his wrists and others blue, green and yellow. He couldn't remember the number of times this had happened – no, he could remember the precise number of times, as well as the procedure and the amount of pain inflected – but he wished, oh he wished he didn't remember. 

The arm resting on his waist wasn't a lover's embrace anymore – it was a prison. A prison he himself had entered without knowing the terms. 

But what was he to do? It wasn't as if he could do any better, and he really did deserve it this time.

x

“Hello there Pretty Boy, getting some more coffee?” Morgan strolled into the small kitchen in search of something to do or someone to talk with to get his mind off the increasing amount of paperwork in his inbox.

“Why must you always call me those stupid, degrading nicknames?” Reid shot Morgan a cold glare and emptied his mug into the sink as if Morgan's presence had turned to coffee bad.

“Sorry man.” Morgan frowned at his best friend – this was highly unusual behavior. Despite all the agreements on the team Morgan automatically fell into profiler-mode. Reid's eyes grew wide when he realized.

“Don't you DARE profile me, Morgan! I thought we were friends!” He threw his mug into the sink too and left with an angry look on his face. He went with determination directly towards the Men's room and slammed the door after him. Prentiss sent Morgan a questioning look from her desk. He shrugged and went after Reid. 

Something wasn't right.

Morgan found Reid leaning against the sink so he closed and locked the door behind him him.

“We need to talk.”

“We need to talk,” Reid repeated in a mocking voice. “You sound like a girl – what are we gonna talk about? Are you going to break up with me?” Morgan's mouth fell open as he witnessed Reid's weird behavior.

“Reid, man – what's wrong?” He took a step closer to Reid.

“Get off my back will you? You had your chance!” Reid said and narrowed his eyes at Morgan felt a sharp jab of pain in his chest. “So if you don't mind.” He pushed Morgan aside and reached for the door.

“Reid, wait!” Morgan grabbed hold of Reid's wrist to stop him from leaving. Reid winced in pain and Morgan eased his hold. Realization made his eyes grow wide before anger narrowed them. 

“Tell me, that's not what's going on!” Reid grew pale and now it was his turn to widen his eyes – the horrified expression on his face was enough answer to Morgan's question.

“No, don't! Morgan stop!” Reid tried to fight his friend when he started to unbutton his shirtsleeves. “Morgan, of course not! It's not what you think!” Reid tried to push Morgan away, but it was like pushing a brick wall.

“Stop struggling Reid, you'll only make me rip the buttons off.” Morgan didn't look at Reid, but kept his gaze fixed on the slender wrist. Finally Reid stopped fighting. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the door he was now pressed against.

A sharp intake of breath was all Morgan could manage when he finally pushed the sleeves away.  
The bruising was fresh on the wrist, but as he pushed the sleeve further up Reid's arm he found older and some almost healed bruising.

“He's doing this to you?” Reid opened his eyes and stared coldly at Morgan without saying a word. “Come on Reid – you can't be with someone who hurts you!” The disgust was clear in his voice. 

Reid pulled his arm from Morgans grip and started to close the sleeve. “Just leave me alone – it's none of your business.”

“It is!”

“Oh?” Reid looked at Morgan with a look of pure contempt. “And why is that?”

Morgan grew cold then hot then cold again. His breath hitched in is his throat and he felt like yelling or punching something. How could he not have seen? How could he have missed something like this for all of these years?

“Because I love you.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had loved him, he really had. He had depended on Albert and made himself believe what he had said, but Morgan's presence at his side, and his firm grip on Reid's hand helped keeping his stand.

“Yeah sure – you're my friend and wants what best for me and all that. Let it go!” Reid gave Morgan a glance so cold it would make Hotch back off.

“No, Reid – I mean it. I love you.” Morgan reached over and took Reid's hand. “I love you.”

Reid frowned at their hands and raised his eyes to meet Morgan's gaze. He didn't look as angry anymore, but guarded. “Don't you play with my feelings. You turned me down, and I accepted that – but now you're just being mean. I have a boyfriend, and I won't leave him just because you disapprove of him-”

“He's hurting you! Physically hurting you!” Morgan felt the anger well up in him as he remembered the marks on Reid's arm. He cursed himself for his outburst when he watched Reid's eyes burn with anger and humiliation. “But that's not what I – you're wrong. I love love you! No, I don't think Albert is good enough for you definitely not now that I now he-” Deep breath. “But I want me to be with you, not some other guy, who doesn't know how truly amazing you are!” Morgan took Reid's other hand intertwining their fingers. He held them up for Reid to see them. “I love you this way.”

Reid looked at their hands and at Morgan's earnest facial expression. He slid his fingers from Morgan's hold while looking thoughtful. He took a step towards Morgan who instinctively stepped back. Reid took another step forward and Morgan realized he was backing off again when his back met with the cold wall. Reid stepped closer yet again halting mere inches from his dark-skinned colleague. He placed his hand on Morgans chest slowly sliding it down across Morgan's stomach. Morgan drew a sharp breath when the slightly taller man slowly started rubbing the bulge in his pants. Reid closed the distance, his face sweeping closer and rested his mouth next to Morgan's ear. “Do you love me, like this?” he asked and grabbed the bulge and squeezed it.

Groaning Morgan took hold of both of Reid's wrists moving them to his back. Shifting his grip, so he held them with only one hand, Morgan grabbed Reid's neck and moved his head so his lips could finally meet with Reid's soft-looking ones. 

So long! He had wanted this for so long.

He realized he had said that out loud when Reid smiled against his lips. Morgan nipped at Reid's bottom lip demanding for him to keep his full concentration on their kiss. Reid opened his mouth and welcomed Morgan's probing tongue as answer. Morgan traced Reid's jawline resting his hand so his fingertips could caress the nape of his neck. He let go of Reid's writs and pulled him closer with a hand on his waist. With a swift movement Morgan turned their bodies and he had Reid pinned against the wall. Morgan trailed a line of kisses and licks down the younger man's neck making him moan. 

The noise brought them back to the real world; they were making out in an FBI-bathroom. 

Morgan looked at Reid who was slightly flushed and breathing heavily and felt something flutter inside his chest. He put a hand gently to Reid's cheek letting his fingers brush along the cheekbone.

“I-I want this.” He couldn't keep the pleading tone out of his voice but Reid just smiled.

“We should probably do this later. Talk that is.” He corrected his collar and ran a smoothing hand down the front of his shirt. “But you know I got to take care of.” He let his voice trail off and Morgan dropped his hand at the same speed his mood dropped. He nodded. 

“Call me. If anything happens just... call me.” Reid smiled his trademark awkward smile and brushed past Morgan and unlocked the door.

x

Prentiss' eyes were wide with surprise but a big grin dominated the rest of her face. 

“Did you see that?” she asked and looked up at Garcia who looked back at her with a blank look.

“See what? Boys starting to pee together?” She cocked a brow and stared into space thoughtfully. “I wonder what they do...”

Both of Prentiss eyebrows rose. “You mean you haven't noticed?”

“Noticed what?” The smug smile on Prentiss' face made alarm bells go off inside Gracia's head. “You better share your apparently amazing observation with you good friend, the Tech Goddess – or she'll have to punish you.”

Prentiss grinned at Garcia and glanced at the two men now seated at the respective desk.

“I think there's something you need to show me down in you lair.” She waggled her eyebrows and Garcia felt the curiosity grow. It might kill cats, but pigs would fly before curiosity killed Penelope Garcia, friend of all things good and fluffy.

“Indeed there is my precious cupcake.”

x

Reid put the bags down on Morgan's guest bed and heaved a resigned sigh. He had used their sudden day off well and had changed the lock on his door and packed a bag with clothes so he wouldn't have to go back to his apartment for a while. Beside that he was planning on staying away from any places he could meet Albert by coincidence – now he just had to break up with him. He pulled his phone up of his pocket and looked at it – he felt like a coward doing this, but there was no way he would actually tell Albert to his face.

“You going to call him now?” The calm voice startled Reid and he took a deep breath to regain his composure.

“Yes.. Yes I am.” He pressed speed dial and thought to himself that he should delete the number as he waited for Albert to answer. Morgan sat down next to him and Reid took his hand – he was going to need the support. 

“Albert Whitaker.”

“Albert, it's me.”

“I told you not to call me while I'm at work – you know how busy I am at the moment.”

“I'll keep it short then.” Reid took a deep breath and Morgan gave his hand a small squeeze. “I'm breaking up with you.” 

“You what? Wait a moment, I'll just go to my office.” Reid listened as Albert excused himself to someone and a moment later a door was closed with a firm click. “What are you saying? Are you telling me you're breaking up with me?”

“Yes I am – this isn't working Albert.” He forced the words of his lips but feeling a deep sense of relief as soon as they were out.

“Of course not – I never see you, you're always at work... Listen, I really think we should talk this over face to face.”

“I don't think that's a good idea Albert, I don't trust you.” Reid hadn't been with Albert for so long without learning a thing or two about him – Albert was going to reason, threaten, and plead to get Reid to do what he wanted him to do.

“Spencer, please – you can't just end it like this. Don't you think I deserve an explanation or something? We've been together for five months.”

“And you started hitting me after the first one had passed. Don't you think that's explanation enough, because I do.” He bit his lip and Morgan started stroking small circles on the back of his hand with his thumb.

“Spencer, baby. This is ridiculous – let's meet up and talk this over as grown-ups-”

“No. I will not meet with you.” Morgan smiled proudly to him and Reid could feel the courage grow in his chest. “I'm calling to tell you, that I'm breaking up with you and never want to see you again. I had my locks changed and I'm not returning to my apartment for a while. I'll have your stuff sent over in a couple of days, you can just throw out whatever I have left at your place.” Morgan's obvious pride made Reid smile too. 

“I can't believe you're doing this to me, Spencer. I love you – you're breaking my heart right now!”

“I honestly doubt that you know what love really is Albert.” He had spent so many nights lying next to Albert wondering if he was the only one of them who knew love. Self pity welled up in him as he remembered the heavy arm pulling him against the warm body behind him as he soundlessly would cry himself to sleep.

“Stop being ridiculous – you know you can't live without me! You love me even more than I love you, you can't function without me!”

“I'll manage somehow.” He felt the hit square in his chest and wished he had the strength to end the call at once. Only a moment ago he had been on top but Albert still had a hold on him.

He had loved him, he really had. He had depended on Albert and made himself believe what he had said, but Morgan's presence at his side, and his firm grip on Reid's hand helped keeping his stand firm.

“Is it because you found somebody else? Is it? Have you been cheating on me?” The accusation hurt him more than he expected. Morgan's calmness beside him suddenly made him feel both better and worse at the same time. He had cheated on Albert, but mostly he had cheated on Morgan – no, Derek.

“I don't like where this conversation is going and I really don't think I have more to tell you other than that I left the key to your place on your kitchen table. If I ever see you again I'll get a restraining order.” Morgan's fingertips stroked his cheek and Reid suppressed a sob. It was ending now.

“Wait, Spencer, please listen-”

“Bye Albert.”

Reid ended the call and looked at the phone in his hand with a flat feeling in his chest. Only a few seconds passed before it started humming indicating the incoming call. 

“Could we perhaps go into you room?” Reid asked in a quiet voice. He looked at Albert's name on the phone display. “I really need to be held by someone who loves me right now.” Reid finally met Morgan's eyes and the older man leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. 

“Of course, Pretty Boy – anything for you.” Morgan pulled Reid to his feet and lead him to his bedroom still holding his hand. Reid cast a look over his shoulder when he exited the room and looked at the still humming phone on the bed. 

They lied on top of the covers. Morgan had pulled Reid close so his face was pressed against the broad muscular chest and it didn't take long for him to begin crying. The feelings of hurt, regret, uselessness and relief washed over him in waves and his silent tears turned into heavy sobs. Morgan's deep voice whispered loving words as he caressed Reid's back, neck, hair and face and made him cry even more.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “For a moment we were the best. But it could never be. You are my first love and I know that makes me put you on a pedestal – and that's not fair to you.”

Garcia moonwalked through the door of the FBI-building and proceeded in a perfect imitation of the Michael Jackson Thriller dance.

Some music just never got too old.

Her big flowery bag swung around on her right arm nearly kicking over a thin girl in a boring black suit and sensible flat shoes. Garcia took a sip of her coffee in her other hand and continued her dance.

And stopped abruptly as she recognized an agitated man discussing with the receptionist.

_\- Flashback -_

_“I'm going to describe someone and you just say the first name that pop into your head, okay?” Garcia had nodded enthusiastically and looked expectantly at her brunette friend._

_“I'm as ready as can be Sugar Bun – shoot!”_

_Prentiss had smiled and settled on the edge of Garcia's desk._

_“It's a man. He's black, tall, muscular, intelligent and handsome.”_

_“Derek Morgan,” Garcia had breathed with a blissful look on her face._

_“Except, no! I was describing Albert Whitaker – the boyfriend of our dear Spencer Reid!” Garcia's mouth had fallen open when the truth dawned on her._

_“Nooooo... Really?” Prentiss had nodded and left Garcia to wonder why she hadn't noticed that_   
_herself._

_\- End flashback -_

Garcia pulled her phone up her pocket, unfolded it and called a number from her call-log in one fluent movement.

“Yes?”

“Prentiss, it's me. I'm standing in the lobby looking at chocolate hunk no. 2 – what do I do, and what is going on? He looks... frustrated at best!”

“I have no idea! Reid got a call and went completely pale, then he gave his phone to Morgan with this petrified look in his eyes and he's just sitting in his chair shaking now. I don't know wh- Wait! Morgan just came back.” Garcia watched as another receptionist joined the discussion in front of her. “Oooh – Morgan is whispering to Reid while holding his hand! You really should hurry – if you got this on film I doubt you'll want to use Photoshop for a while!”

Garcia ended the call and started walking towards the elevator quickly – this she wanted to see. Not only because Morgan and Reid were acting close but also because her Baby Genius was apparently all shaken up and he needed comfort.

She was Queen of Comfort.

“Ms. Garcia!” She stopped to look back and found Albert Whitaker walking towards her with a big charming smile on his face. She paused her music and and faced him with a friendly smile. “Penelope.” She felt her heart skip a beat and cursed herself for her weakness against everyone who resembled her favorite dark gunslinger.

“Mr. Whitaker, I haven't seen you for a while.” She smiled. “What are you doing here?”

“I'm trying to visit my boyfriend, but the receptionists won't let me get past the lobby.” He shot Garcia a smile saying 'I'm not saying they're stupid, but they certainly aren't the brightest – if you catch my drift'. Garcia answered by rolling her eyes in a 'I so get your drift – you can't let those ditsy women do anything remotely important'-way.

“I'd love to help you Butterscotch, but I'm afraid it's out of my jurisdiction.” She gave him an apologetic smile and resumed walking towards the lifts. A hand on her shoulder stopped her.

“Are you sure there's nothing you can do? There's been this big, stupid misunderstanding, and I really want to make up for it.” Garcia frowned – something definitely weren't right.

“Have you tried getting the receptionists to call Reid? He can grant you a visitor's admission.”

“I tried that, but they only got hold of Morgan and I get the feeling he isn't terribly fond of me.” He cocked his brow saying 'can you believe it?'. “Can't you grant me a visitor's admission? With your connections and skills it should be easy as pie.”

“I could make it happen in a jiffy!” Garcia smiled at the flattery. “But I'm not sure I should, seeing that you're Reid's boyfriend.” She had been around profiler's long enough to notice the small stiffening of Whitaker's smile when she called him Reid's boyfriend.

Ah, she thought to herself. So that's what's wrong!

“Oh, Penelope – are you sure you can't help me? It's extremely important that I get to talk to him as soon as possible.” His smile had turned slightly forced as he took a step closer to Garcia. She let her eyes wander in search for somebody to help her. She caught the eyes of one of the receptionists who nodded at the security guard walking towards Garcia and Whitaker.

“I'm afraid I can't do that Mr. Whitaker, but I know just the man who can.” She smiled as the security guard stepped next to her.

“Can I be at assistance here Penelope?” He smiled to her.

“I don't think so Barney, Mr. Whitaker here was just about to leave.”

“Oh,” Barney said in mock surprise. “I'll walk you to the door, then.” He put his hand on Whitaker's arm with a gesture towards the door.

“I'll tell Reid you said hi.” Garcia smiled at the man being very firmly lead away before resuming her walk to the elevator.

Reid and Morgan then? She smiled at the thought and started the music.

x

Morgan wiped away the drop of sweat trailing down from Reid's hairline. He was lying next to Morgan looking more gorgeous than any woman he had ever woken up next to and it was tearing him up inside. No matter how hard he tried he felt inadequate, wrong. His heart would swell with feelings of immense happiness when the genius smiled at him but in the back of his head a small voice kept complaining, telling how wrong they were for each other.

He was too old.

He wasn't smart enough.

When Reid took his hand or snuggled against him in his sleep he couldn't help but wondering what he made the young man miss out on by keeping him by his side.

He was in a position where he should find a special someone to settle with. A person he could grow old and content with. He had always thought that he would have kids some day, but when he looked at the sleeping form beside him it didn't seem possible, but he wasn't sure if he regretted it.

The feeling of not being good enough haunted him every time Reid would start a passionate ramble about a random topic, and Morgan couldn't help but stifling a yawn. The hurt look Reid had in his eyes when he didn't get his jokes or the references to some dead physicist made his heart clench and his breath hitch.

The doubt.

The nagging doubt wouldn't leave him alone. Sometimes he wondered whether he had been bi for his entire life, or if it was only Reid who could make him feel this way. He knew Reid was gay, but Morgan hadn't had the the time to reflect on his own sexuality. He had realized his feelings for Reid was deeper than he had counted on and had spilled the truth the moment it hit him.

It simply tore him apart.

It was almost too much weight to carry on his shoulder's. He hated the feeling of responsibility he felt for Reid's happiness when he just knew he wasn't right.

Just as Reid wasn't right for him.

Morgan leaned over to place a soft kiss against the pair of lips he adored the most in the entire world.

His heart fluttered when Reid slowly opened his eyes and looked into his eyes with a tired smile.

“Good morning Derek.” He snuggled closer to Morgan's chest with a sound of satisfaction. Morgan absentmindedly ran his fingers through Reid's hair.

“This isn't working out, is it?” he asked the air above Reid's curly hair, careful not to get any in his mouth.

“It isn't,” Reid muttered against the broad chest in front of him. He looked up at Morgan's face. “I really love you, but it just doesn't feel right.”

“I know just what you mean.”

“I hate worrying about you when we're out on cases and you always end up being the one kicking in the doors.”

“I hate not being smart enough to understand what you talk about when you get all fired up and talk about Star Wars mathematics and stuff that interest you beside work.”

“I never feel good enough or cool enough, and I'm always afraid to embarrass you when I do something stupid or socially awkward.”

“I always feel too old for you, and like I'm keeping you from enjoying your youth.” Reid smiled at the darker man.

“I'm almost thirty – I think my youth has pretty much passed completely.”

“And you're definitely cool enough and way smarter than anyone could ever wish to become.”  
Morgan pulled Reid close and he happily obliged the gentle tug.

“But we were good together weren't we?”

“Yes, we were.” Reid rubbed his cheek against the hard plane of muscle. “For a moment we were the best. But it could never be. You are my first love and I know that makes me put you on a pedestal – and that's not fair to you.”

“I'm not even sure I like men!” Reid chuckled and Morgan felt his mouth curve. “Seriously – I don't know if I like men or if it's just you.”

“Will you drive me back to my apartment later? I think it's probably about time I get back home.”

“Of course Pretty Boy.” Morgan shot Reid a teasing smile as he pushed himself into sitting position. “That's what best friends are for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up is a Choose Your Own Ending Epilogue. So just just click "Next Chapter" and choose who you want Reid to end up with in a mushy, happy way :)


	7. Epilogue A and B

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was single again. He didn't remember it feeling this bad before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue A is for happy ending with Reid finding happiness where he never suspected.  
> Epilogue B is for happy ending with Reid realizing he could only ever love Morgan.

Epilogue A

Reid closed the door behind him and stripped himself of his gun and badge. He dropped his bag by the coffee table and went to his bedroom. He sighed as he eyed the messy pile of clothes on the floor. He hadn't wanted to do any tidying up when he moved back from Morgan's place and suddenly the cases started lining up and in the brief breaks in between the urge to clean and wash had remained absent.

He went into the main room and carefully chose a CD from his collection of Beethoven. He closed his eyes appreciatively as the music started playing and the soft tones of Mondschein-Sonate 1. Satz started spilling soothingly from his speakers.

He went back into his bedroom and started sorting the different pieces of clothing. Reid frowned at the large pile of slacks and a brief peak in his closet revealed no clean pairs. With a concentrated looked Reid scooped all the clothes up before putting it in a big sports bag.

With the bag over his shoulder he paused the music and shuffled down the stairs to the washing machines in the basement. He checked the pockets carefully before shoving the pants into the machine (you only wash your cell phone once) but frowned when his hand eventually met more than an empty pocket. Pulling up a small folded note Reid smiled as he remembered the only night out where he actually had fun when going out. Avoiding the awkward and downright painful memories including Albert Reid thought of his conversation with the computer science professor, Tom, who had understood everything he said and actually taught him a thing or two about his own field of expertise.

With a faint smile still remaining on his lips Reid unfolded the note and he deliberately slowly read the words.  
Himself a shadow, hunting shadows.

He held the note between his teeth as he shoved the remaining slacks into the machine and started it. He hurried up he stairs and went directly to the old table serving as a desk in the corner of his bedroom. He pulled out paper and a pen and after a few moment he stared at 7 numbers that reminded him very much of a Washington-phone number.

Could it be?

Probably not.

But maybe?

Reid fought the urge to call Garcia and see if it was a real phone number and in that case to whom it belonged. In stead he went into his main room and pulled his phone from his bag, quickly pushing the numbers and hitting call. If he hesitated he would he start considering the wisdom in his actions and thereby convincing him that he shouldn't try to call the number.

He listened to the beeping and tried to calm his erratic breathing.

“Tom Kealer.”

“Um, hi. Th-this is Spencer Reid, D-dr. Spencer Reid.” The illusion of confidence vanished when he started speaking and he felt his stutter hitting him full force. “I-I think we met at Jimmy's about a month ago?”

“Hello Spencer! I was started to wonder if you were ever going to call me,” Tim greeted enthusiastically. Reid was left speechless for a moment.

“You waited for me to call?”

“I couldn't exactly do it myself, could I?” Reid smiled as soft laughter met his ear. “It's not every night I meet someone who's almost as smart as me and actually thinks I'm interesting to speak with.”

“I thought you were pretty interesting,” Reid burst out and he felt a little stupid, but he couldn't help it – he had had immense fun with the man.

“Likewise.” Reid could hear the smile in Tom's voice and felt one spread across his own face.

“Do you... um... have plans? Like... tonight?” He bit his lip and held his breath in anticipation.

“I was planning on a slow night. Probably reading a book or doing some programming... Unless you got a better idea?”

“I don't know...” Reid smiled and finally settled on the edge of his favorite armchair. “Maybe we could meet up and talk about books? Or you could tell me how amazing my algorithms are?” The sound of laughter rewarded Reid's saucy comment.

“I'd like to do that...” Reid could hear the silent 'but' and waited quietly with a sinking feeling in his chest. “What about that possessive boyfriend of yours? Is he okay with you meeting up with strangers who'll probably end up praising you the entire evening?” Reid let out a big breathy chuckle of relief.

“He probably wouldn't have liked it, but considering the fact that he's not my boyfriend anymore I think we should be okay.”

 

Epilogue B

Reid flung his bag into the corner and dropped his badge and gun on the counter. He eyed the enormous amount of dirty laundry on the bedroom floor but ignored it throwing his body to his bed. He rubbed his eyes as he realized he didn't have any tears left - Morgan had once again broken his heart but this time he had let him.

He turned to his side and pulled his knees to his chest as he dry sobbed - the only release of the pain. his head hurt but not as much as his heart and if he could he would have ripped it out to stop it.

A sharp knock on his door made him sit up startled. He held his breath as he listened for more noise - maybe it was his neighbor. No - once again a sharp knocked alerted Reid and he got to his feet quickly walking to his hall. He grabbed his gun - a habit he had picked up working in his line of work - and opened the door with the chain still on.

"Spencer!" Reid slammed the door closed right in Morgan's face, his breath hitching in his throat, heart pounding so hard he could hear the blood rush through his veins and his heartbeat thundering in his ears. He slid the chain off and opened the door again to see a confused and hurt looking Morgan.

"Derek?" Reid reached over and put the gun on the counter. "What are you doing here?"

"You remember what I said to you that night in bed?" Reid's heart sank in his chest and he realized he had more tears left - and they were all rushing to his eyes. "Of course you do. Well - forget it! Or, no - replace them with this: I love you - there's no way I can forget or deny that, because there is simply no way I can function without you! Spencer, baby." Morgan took Reid's hand and a step towards him. "I don't care if you're the only man I'll ever love, because I doubt that anyone - be that man or woman - will ever make me feel as strongly about anything as you make me feel. And I say we should fuck thiese stupid insecure feelings and give this the try it deserves. We deserve to try."

Reid felt a broad grin form on his face as he stepped closer, pressing his chest against Morgan's. "I'm never going to let you go - ever again!"

The kiss was soft and wet and the sweetest both men had ever experienced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally Epilogue A was The Epilogue (or The End as I called it) but then I got rage because it wasn't Sperek so I wrote a snippet making it a Happy Sperek Ending. Because I hate to disappoint people.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm moving all my slashy stories from ff.net to here, starting with the beginning and working my way up slwoly, editing an re-reading as I go. Hope you guys won't mind. You can find all the stories I post here - and a few more - at my ff.net profile on http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2575151/KittyBits  
> I adore the lot of you :)


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